Thursday, March 02, 2006

Reliving the Moments

"You broke my heart but never shattered it completely. And that is the cruellest thing to do to somebody. It broke it into one thousand parts. So that piece by piece it flaked off. Like bad paint off a humid Hong Kong wall. Carrying off fragments of the hopeful, optimistic me that you once knew and cared about...The worst relationships are the ones that wear away at you by attrition." A passage from a brilliant blogger who I follow religiously - A Babe In Toyland.

She spoke my heart.

I felt for her... Knowing the pain she is going through, because I am still feeling mine. Its been two years and 8 months now. And I thought everything that happened between us should have completely passed by now. But in reality, I still feel broken. Broken but never shattered completely. Flaking off piece by piece.

We met by pure chance when I was still studying in university, and he had flown over for a job interview. We spent three magical days together and he left. From then on, our relationship went Online and lasted through the ages of ICQ and phone calls. But long distance relationships never do last. We both knew it was lust that pulled us together in the beginning and that it was also the only element missing in a long distance relationship. Months later we ended it and went our separate ways. I deleted his number from my phone and he promised never to call again.

Four years later we meet by chance again. In a city we both were new to. It was almost like the four years apart never existed. The feeling was mutual. We arranged to met again for dinner. And everything started again from there. The six months that followed were breathless and I knew I will never feel the same way about someone else again.

But gradually, I was hit by one disappointment after another. Not calling when he promised to call back. Telling me he would be here in 30 mins but arrive 3 hours later. I don't think I am high maintenance. I knew we were both very busy people, and that we didn't have much time to spend with each other. But I understood that. And I never really did asked for much. All I wanted, was to be assured that when you said you would call back, you would. And the decency of letting me know when you couldn't make it in time.

It's only common courtesy.

Deep down I knew he could never be faithful to me. I knew he had a girlfriend when we first met. I knew him too well to expect that we could ever have a proper future together. Sometimes, it still surprises me how I unquestionably accepted every excuse he made. Soon I grew tired of the waiting game and his apologies. And I ended it. So that we could still remain friends.

Despite all this, he is still a person I do not want to lose touch with.

So up to this day, we still keep in touch. But I am afraid to talk to him for long periods of time. Afraid that maybe the fire will light up again amongst dead coals. So I keep it short. He is back in his hometown now. And has even invited me to his wedding this year. In some ways, I am glad he can finally make a commitment. Whether or not I will attend the wedding is an entirely different issue.

Reading about Sash's pain made me want to write about mine. I guess blogging about it will help me get it out of my system. I am a strong believer that Time will heal all. Only that maybe this time I still need more time.


miss j* said...

i too can feel that pain you feel... i've been broken but never shattered - it's the hardest thing that i've ever had to deal with, and i still am. glad to hear that you have been strong enough to get through it all, i hope that i can be like you too!!

AstroGirl said...

it is the hardest thing. but i'm sure you can get through it too.. :) who knows ? maybe you already have but just don't know yet.

Out of all this I've learnt not to compare.. especially people. and that things that have past should be left in the past. Otherwise you will never be happy.. :)

sash said...

Oh dear girl, thanks for responding so viscerally to my post. That is the greatest tribute a blogger could ever ask for. I hope my words were a balm for your heart and reassured you that heartbreak is not an isolated phenomenon. It takes a lot of courage to retain your humanity and generosity of spirit in hurtful instances such as the one you describe, but I am glad to see you get by so graciously. Take care and thanks for reading.